“…im longing for the day when I will see Your face…”

i have been in a funny place the last couple weeks…

all my passion for the Lord had been zapped in a moment and i couldnt figure out what was going on. so monday morning it hit me that it was the first day that ihop does the bridegroom fast which is based on matthew 9:14-17 and its all about fasting for the presence of Jesus.. mourning for His nearness and intimacy because He was taken away up to heaven so we long for His return!

 

so i started this fast and its tuesday at about 6AM and im in the car on my way to virginia beach for work. i put on a matt gilman live prayer set and i just started praying in the spirit and asking God to fill me with more of Himself, to draw nearer and I remembered last december my biggest prayer was Colossians 3- that i have died and my life is hidden in Christ… that I need to die so that HE will be in the forefront, not me.

 

so i am just praying Lord kill me so that You will be exalted in me, and all of a sudden the Lord breaks in on me with the revelation that my passion and calling was dead to me because i let the words of man come in and cover it and suffocate the identity and lifestyle that God called me to! i just began to weep and ask for forgiveness.. just crying out OH God i have forsaken Your calling and the things you have spoken to me!!

i pulled into a parking lot and just sat there at the gas pump weeping and praying and singing and my mourning tears were changed to tears of joy… the passion and calling i thought was dead to me was reawakened and i began to leap with joy in my spirit because i remembered all the things the Lord said about me… that i was His beloved, that He had called me to be first someone who knew His heart and then prayed it, to be an intercessor, to live a radical lifestyle of fasting, prayer, and devotion to Him… i felt just like Luke 10:42 was being manifested in my life.. that i had chosen the ONE thing that was necessary and it would NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME!!! PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY WHO IS FOREVER!

 

THANK YOU JESUS! YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL!

Random haiku

White flakes grace the sky
Melancholy memory
Sweet hope, old made new.

snowglobes and gingerbread

Mandi and I are here in NY visiting at her parents house and it’s been a good time just getting to know her family better and doing fun holiday traditions together.

I can’t help thinking about the Lord’s faithfulness. He is just so good! Holidays or not, home or away, my family or in-laws, He is forever good, forever faithful, forever wonderful, beautiful, worthy, mighty, holy, amazing! ASCRIBE TO THE LORD THE GLORY DUE TO HIS NAME! HE IS WORTHY!

..and whatever is good and holy and pure, let us dwell on those things, let us meditate on the character of Jesus; the goodness of our God!

HALLELUJAH! AMEN!

“whatever it takes, take it away…”

so much has happened in a year.

 

this time last year i was in the grind, doing life as usual. then everything got shaken up.

 

i’ve been awakened to the deeper things of the Lord, heard the Lord speak to me, been in the presence of angels(and been aware of it), seen prophecies come to pass, been granted grace for passion, lost it, re-gained it, gotten married, moved 3 times, and still things move forward.

 

i am seeking to have a burning heart before the Lord ALWAYS. 

and trying to figure out how not to be choked out by the worries of life, and the deceitfulness of money and posessions, and the idols that come before serving my God.

 

i was talking with a friend recently and we both realized in coming back to lynchburg that it was much harder here to keep away from all the things that pull at us and just be centered and dedicated and consecrated to the Lord.

 

but regardless of the obstacles satan might put in my way i want to seek the Lord more than I ever have, every day.

 

im tired of passionless coasting through days!

im tired of laziness and carelesness robbing me of my joy and revelation!

im tired of being complacent in my relationship with my Bridegroom!

I WANT YOU JESUS AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE FOR ME! I WANT IT ALL AND I DONT CARE WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THERE! WHATEVER IT TAKES, TAKE IT AWAY!

TITAN(ic)

from the depths of oceans
echoing bellows in the chests
of sunken leviathans

an outcry resonates
beneath the surface
plea of despair

atmosphere escaping the hidden places
reality transfigured into lost hope

a constellations bow
grazes mother nature’s strings
an epigrammatic psalm

narrative cello sings tragedy
voices in the sky

04.06.08

so im staying at the Wells’ house for the forseeable future.

3 crazy dreams.

3 different people.

the same night.

hmm…

04.03.08

i think i’ve discovered why i’ve been so unmotivated in the prayer room lately.

because of my preferences and desires and weak attention span and my anti-group-mentality disposition, i’ve been despising the very thing the Lord called me to 4 months ago.

He has called me to IHOP-AC, at least for this season, and i have been forsaking this place and writing it off because of my own discomfort & preferences.

I believe through the Tabernacle of David teachings we are doing right now the Lord is going to be confirming in my heart that this whole is legit and that i can pour my energy into it.

Lord forgive me for having such a restless, offendable heart. i need a renewing, a refreshing of my commitment to this end-time movement you are raising up. i should be honored & in awe of You that You have chosen me to be a part of what You’re doing here in AC….

_____________________________later that day……….

Your faithfulness is unbelievable.

Lord i realized just yesterday through reading Generous Orthodoxy that when i feel like running out of here screaming, ready to quit, what i need is to be refreshed. i needed You to send the rains & just let it storm.

i got a pretty good soaking this morning but i’m waiting for the skies to break open! i want lightning and thunder!! i want to feel the ground shaking beneath my feet!!

thank you Jesus for the revelation You released this morning.

Consume me with ZEAL for your house Jesus!!

Let me pour my energies and my heart and soul into this which You have called me to!!

i wanna BURNfor You.

04.02.08

a beginning beauty dawns,

striking a new season.

the fires of potential burn

bright and glorious,

in the eyes of children,

children as we are.

present tense hope rings,

clarity of majesty the roadmap

refocusing desire.

a subtle Hand leading passion;

empty obligation falling away.

gentle dry rains nourishing

a beating organ’s garden.

in a season of ambiguity,

silent screaming peace

lending direction

to distracted doubt;

to charred wilderness;

to intense apathy;

to unquenchable nothingness.

one sky view,

reverberation in a corrupted

vessel;

channeled upward,

recieved, rebounded, intensified.

iridescent glory falling
as grace

as love

as pure poetic divine movement.

we are diamonds waiting to be found, catching light in the corners of our eyes…

i struggle with thinking that all my desires and wants are the opposite of what God wants for me.

i think this is a problem birthed from more than one place.

in my past i have made so many horrible decisions that i assume my choices now are still opposed to the Lord.

in this christian walk so often self is put down and squashed and willingly quenched. i have begun to regularly question this doctrine lately. the Lord gave us our minds, emotions, ability to reason. are we so untrustworthy that we cannot decide or figure out anything?  we are such a special creation to the Lord- we were made in His image; He breathed life into us. would such a special and treasured creation be allowed to operate only in such a shallow and confined means?

this is not to say we dont often have a sinful drive within us that speaks directions and actions. i completely believe in this- i need to look no further than my own life.

and to be fair, the bible does say “deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Me.” (Luke 9.23)

but i believe that denying ourselves means putting to death that sinful nature and raising Christ up as priority above any other thing we can invest our time and hearts into.

i REFUSE to believe that denying myself means denying myself the use of my emotional & reasoning faculties that were breathed into me.

the Lord didnt create the eagle and then tell it not to fly. for the Lord to deny us the ability to use what He has given us; to propose something opposite of the way we were created is to somehow deny our  very humanity.

and if the Lord is contradicting our humanity and the way we were created, then He’s contradicting Himself. which just…     doesnt…     happen.

So if this contradiction of our humanity is out of the character of God, then it definitely cannot be biblical. which should scream to us that we should stop living repressed, depressed half-lives of shame and self-denial. we dont have to believe, and in fact, should not believe that our every desire & want & decision is inherently evil.

I believe in a healthy submission to Jesus in our hearts and a constant hunger for sensitivity to the Spirit. and i believe from this place of growing maturity & intimacy with Jesus, we can find freedom to be who we were created to be; to function as we were created to.

the abundant life is available…

God has given you the air, so fly….

in your presence all fear is gone.

in your presence is where i belong.

Father let me fall in love with your approval.

You spoke freedom over me almost 2 weeks ago.

freedom from feeling other’s eyes. (Song of Songs 1:6)
freedom from having to seek approval and dedicating energy to people pleasing.

freedom from feeling like i have to be anything..

anything other than to be a lover and to be loved.

thats it.

these are Your words, Jesus.

“Your identity is Me. Your identity is love.”

MY IDENTITY IS LOVE.

i am a lover, and i am loved.

thats all i am, thats everything, that covers any other identity i try to assume.

John 12:43- when youve got the approval and love of the Father on you, nothing else really matters.

when you realize that the only person you live to please and obey is the Greatest Lover of All, Ever, things get a lot more simple. things get a little freedom up in there…

i realized what the Lord was trying to get me to see is that He was releasing me to love Him. He was giving me permission to be a Mary of Bethany… to break the cultural standards to sit at His feet and pursue intimacy with Him. Mary was possibly the only person who truly understood who Jesus was and what was going to happen to Him- prompting her to pour out everything that she had to her name and anoint Jesus with perfume for His burial.

Jesus is giving me permission to break our cultural standards, to do what seems completely foolish- sit in a room mostly empty, not have a job, depend on the Lord completely to provide and meet my needs – all for the sake of intimacy with Jesus. But in Luke 10:42 Jesus says that the intimacy Mary has chosen is the one thing that is necessary and it will NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER.

Jesus gives her permission to waste her life on Him. her whole life, everything she has… and thats ok with God. thats what He wants actually..